This Isn’t A Disney Movie

You know those articles everyone posts on Facebook with catchy titles like: “When You Know You’ve Met The One”, “How to Date an Alpha Female” or “Dating as a Millennial”…?┬áThis isn’t one of those articles.

Is it too honest to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to dating?

And when I say I have “no idea” I mean I literally haven’t been on a date in over five years. I’m clueless. Not only am I clueless, I’m terrified. The thought of dating shoves me out of comfort zone, pushes me up against a locker, and takes my lunch money like a schoolyard bully.

The last guy I “dated” (i.e. Netflix & Chilled with) took my self-esteem and put it through a Ninja Blender. I went through a tumultuous two years of feeling like the red-headed step-child (my apologies to all of you red-headed step-children, I’m sure you’re wonderful). For two ridiculously long years I allowed myself to be a back-up plan. The girl that was good enough to hang out with, but never to date. And I allowed it. Pause on that statement. I ALLOWED IT.

Cue instant feelings of self-disgust rising up and self-esteem swirling down the toilet. I never felt “good enough”, “thin enough”, “fit enough”, “pretty enough”, “funny enough”. I was convinced I was very simply not enough. It took one poorly captioned social media post by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named that made me realize more than half of this problem was me. How could I expect this man, or any man, to treat me with the respect and love that I deserved if I wasn’t treating myself that way? I was done, and I never looked back. Hello, self-reflection.

And now here we are, two years later, slightly less confident, significantly more confused. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to meet someone and fall in love. I just don’t know how. It’s hard to visualize putting myself out there, when the very thought of doing so sends my insecurities to the surface.

The list of questions I have in regards to “dating as a Millennial” is as long as the Mississippi River, and continues to grow the longer I think about it. How will someone love me when there are days that I feel uncomfortable in my own body? How will I meet someone if I prefer hanging out at home with my dog instead of going out for a night at the bar or club? How can I trust myself to make smarter decisions after spending two years in a twisted chess game that I didn’t even know I was playing? How do I convey my personality on a dating app that asks for 10 pictures of myself and 1 little sentence to describe myself?

Slowly – slower than a snail traveling through molasses – I’ll figure out what I’m doing. With each question comes more answers. I’m discovering what matters most to me in a significant other. I’m facing my demons. I’m learning to love myself first before I allow anyone else to have that privilege.

There isn’t an article on Facebook or BuzzFeed with the answers. There isn’t a magic Genie, a Fairy Godmother, or a Frog Prince to help me win the dating game. Only I can figure out what my fairytale ending will be.

This isn’t a Disney movie.


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1 Comment

  1. Beth

    June 27, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    1.) you are like almost everyone. The problem is that like most everyone you aren’t a shitty person who takes advantage of others. Fuck that guy.
    2.) Fuck that app. 10 pictures/1 sentence. No.
    3.) Friends and family should / could set you up on dates that you review afterwards with your friends.
    4.) Group outings are better than dates.

    I’m #sorrynotsorry I dropped the f-bomb TWICE. You are smart, amazing and adorable. Hugs!

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